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While bored and still longing for a chance to find a relationship with someone, I still browse a bit on this dating site that I have had a little success (well, getting some real people on it who want more than just sex it seems) at least once a day. Mainly I check to see if anyone ever messages me or even looks at me. Honestly, it is tough though because I feel like I have been exhausting my options on that site since I have skimmed through many of those profiles on there. There was this one girl like 2 months ago I messaged that sounded nice and stuff, but never heard back (well, most people never bother to message me back if I message them). I came across her profile today and noticed she changed it recently. At the end of her self-summary section, it says:

"I am interested in gay women and Transmen (FTM) only!"

There are a lot of people (both cis women and men) unfortunately that have this view that being a transwoman is not a valid woman to them. Especially there are seemingly a lot of gay cis women who have ZERO interest in transwomen yet consider a relationship with transmen. Why is that? Probably because of gentalia. I guess they assume most transmen they would date will probably not have GRS. 

It sucks. I am not a woman to some people because of what is between my legs. I may always have to fight to validate my identity as a woman to people. It is already really tough to find someone who is open minded enough to date a transwoman. It really feels like I am fighting a losing battle for my personal life. It is pretty tough not get a little depressed about it. Sigh. It just sucks. I am just getting worn down.

Black Friday 2012 update

-Yesterday I joined my family and relatives for Thanksgiving Lunch. It was the first time that I wore a dress(specifically the blue sundress that I wore for the museum in the summer) for any family, but I wanted to dress nice. It was fine though. I thought I looked alright, and no one made a positive or negative comment about my appearance except my little sister said that she liked my dress. Nicole came as well and ate with us. It was a good meal, and I am glad that my family is seemingly so accepting of me being transgender. However, I do think most of my family was not that interested in chatting with me other than saying hello and how are you. Not sure if that means they are uncomfortable or what.

-Anya, the girl I met online earlier this month, we finally met in person a few Fridays ago. I picked her up and took her to dinner. That was her first time having Tex-mex food. We then went to Putt-Putt, which was also her first time. We then went back to my place to relax and watch the movie "How To Train Your Dragon" which she had not seen. She also wanted to watch me play a video game before the end of the night so I popped in Epic Mickey. Our goal was to make Mickey evil since there appears to be a morality system, heh. Overall, I had a good time with her that night. I really enjoyed her company, and liked talking with her too. I think she enjoyed her time as well, and I hope so. 

However, this last Sunday, we talked online for a bit, and she told me how after thinking about it, she decided that she is not ready for a new relationship right now. She had a long relationship with her ex, and it was not that long ago that they broke up. I can totally understand how she feels like she is not completely ready for a new relationship just yet. I told her that we can be friends right now, but I did tell her how I did like her and how I do find her attractive just she knows how I did feel about her. I said that I also respect her not being ready for a new relationship at this time, and we can be friends in the mean time at minimum. I think she recognizes that I do like her (though I am not sure how she felt about me), but she is not ready for anything like that and that is fine. I do want to be her friend at minimum because she is someone that I get along well with and have similar interests with too. Having new friends is nice too. :) She has been really busy with school and family lately. It appears that we won't get to see each other again until maybe December 5, which is the night I hope to celebrate my birthday and really hope she can come too. I really hope to see her again soon. 
Last week, I decided to skim through a free but good dating site to see if anyone would be interested in replying or anything. I spent a few hours over a few days reading over profiles of girls who lived nearby and I felt would be a good match with me. I messaged a few of the girls that I thought were interesting, maybe shared common interests with me, and being cute was a plus too. Well, one of those few people that I messaged actually replied back within a day. In her profile, it mentioned basically that she didn't want to hear cliche messages sent her way. I simply sent her a message saying that I thought it was cool that she likes dark atmosphere video games like Silent Hill and if she had played the gamecube game Eternal Darkness. She messaged me that she had not played that game but heard of it, and she followed it up by asking what video games I like to play. That is how it started.

Her name is Anya. She is friendly, a little silly, geeky, cute, pretty, and super nice. We share a lot of things in common. We messaged each other a few days, usually took her maybe a day or 2 to respond to me. We eventually started to do instant messaging as well since Sunday night. I like talking with her online, and I think she enjoys it too. I have learned a lot of interesting things about her too. One of the most encouraging things is that she is completely fine that I am trans. Apparently her last ex was trans. 

The only thing I have not quite 100% figured out is if she sees me more as a friend at this point or as someone she wants to try to date and maybe be in a relationship with. From my deductive skills of all the various conversations we have had, even about our past relationships, leads me to believe that she that this is a potential relationship that can bloom. I have reminded myself though to temper my expectations just in case, but Anya's appearance has added some pep to my life. We even agreed to meet on Friday, get dinner and hang out. She also wants to meet Nicole and Yumi, and since Nicole was able to get this Friday night off, we were all going to have fun. Granted, I debated if a group event is the best thing to do, which maybe would send the signal to Anya that I want to be just friends. It sounded like she really just wants to have fun with people, and since Nicole and Yumi will be free, I figured why squander the opportunity. I hope that we can figure out a way to make a relationship work, but we shall see.

One problem though is that I am sick right now. I actually took off work today to recover because I felt so tired, exhausted, and had a fever last night. I hope I get better by Friday so I can meet Anya...

Not what I needed to hear

Things have been okay in my life for the last few weeks. Not good, not bad, just okay. I spend time with my friends that I am thankful for, but I still have the same issues on my mind. 

Ever since my brief dating with Elissa, I felt like that I should not try as hard for now in dating. Before, I was messaging lots of people on this dating site with almost no success. Now, I am more discourage and rarely message anyone on there anymore. My self-esteem is low, and I am honestly not sure if it is a good idea for me to get involved with anyone anyways at this point. 

Earlier this week for example, this girl randomly messaged me on this dating site. First time anyone bothered to message me since Elissa. I only have a few people take a look at my profile a week, and never any messages. I guess this girl felt I was interesting enough to message. I spent a few hours messaging with this girl, she seemed nice and truly interested. Eventually, she asked me if I had come out to my family. I then realized that she may not know that I am transgender even though it said that on my profile multiple spots. I told her that I had come out as a lesbian and a transgender woman to my family and everyone. She apparently logged on to see my profile again after I told her this (this site tells you when someone looks at your profile). She said that it was good that they all took it well. After that message though, she had very short answers for my questions and stopped asking me questions. I told her that I hope we talk again later and feel free to message me. I never did hear back from her again. I guess she didn't realize that I was trans and lost all interest at that point in me. At least the positive I can take is that this one girl must have felt I was interesting or perhaps even attractive enough to pursue. On the other hand, I cannot help but feel there are things that I have to improve, both physically and mentally.

Obviously I need to develop some self confidence and self esteem, but I feel that a lot of these mental issues that I have are also partially intertwined with my distress over my physical appearance. I just don't know what I can do to help with these issues that I have over my body. I swear that I cannot go at one day without being gendered as male either. Whether it is strangers, my family, people at work, or my van pool.

I have been depressed this afternoon while thinking again about all these issues, so I tried to be productive while feeling crappy and distressed. I vacuumed most of the apartment because had been a while since the last time we did it and to try to take my mind off this stuff. As I emptied at the vacuum cleaner and took the contents to the dumpster. As I walked away from there, a boy was playing outside along the street. He yelled over to me from like 20 yards away.

Boy: Hey! Do you have a dog?
Me: No, I don't.
Boy: Are you a boy or a girl? You look like a boy.
Me: No...I am a girl.

The boy kept staring at me as I walked back to my apartment. That is not the kind of thing I need to hear right now when I already feel like crap over my body...
So I sort have been seeing this girl Elissa for a while. Technically we have only gotten together 3 times. The 2nd time was after the souring lack of communication from her, and she offered a very generalized excuse that she was "busy" more or less that she could not send me a text or call within 24 hours of me expecting to hear from her on why she never showed to an event we planned.

Some sexual stuff here, but not too personal. Read if comfortableCollapse )

It makes me feel even more unhappy with my body on top of all the numerous body issues that I have. I have come to realize that my body issues will always hinder me. I cannot seem to take any compliment anymore without downplaying it immediately or saying how I wish it was different somehow. I don't know what to do to remedy that honestly. I just really dislike my body.

The 3rd meeting was a brief get together to play a card game called Munchkin with my friends Nicole and Yumi. It was fun.

Two things really bother me about this "relationship" so far, which at this point I doubt you would even call it that:

1. I am concerned that her attraction to me is almost all physical (which makes no sense to me still). Despite my beliefs, somehow it seems she actually finds me attractive. The problem is that she does not give me much meaningful talk about herself most of the time other than some of her family issues, otherwise, when alone with me, she just wants to try to kiss me or touch alot. I don't mind the touching (which it is nice that someone actually wants to for a change), but I do not feel emotionally connected to her at all. I am not interested in just having a purely physical relationship.

2. After looking over my texts, I always seem to be the intiator of contact between the two of us. She will usually (won't even answer at all a few times) respond at some text or call until much later. She is never initiating the conversation at all, which gives me the impression that her lack of effort to even to try to make this work or effort to show that she even really cares at all about me. In the last 2 weeks, we have seen each other 1 time, and she has only contacted in only response to a potential meeting this last Friday in that time. Other than that, we have not spoken or communicated with each other.

At this point, I basically feel like I don't care that much if I really see her or hear from her. I have no desire at this time to make the effort to see her. The problem is that this Friday is the monthly Transgender Center Social, and Elissa is suppose to be there from what I remember. I don't know if she is going to expect us to act like a tight-knit loving couple in front of these people. I don't want to put up that false front to people.

At this point, I am no longer initiating the contact anymore. If that decision dissolves this early relationship with her, so be it. It is at least a test for me to see if she really cares enough to contact me at all without me prompting her to.

Maybe I am not ready for any relationship. I am kind of a mess mentally still with plenty of issues. I might be pretty screwed up it seems, and most people would probably be better off without me. It is sad. I don't know what to do. Maybe I never find a relationship that will work out in all ways in a mutual manner. 
The next day after my date (Sunday), I sent Elissa a text around lunchtime just asking how she was. I never heard back from her that day. On Monday evening, I decided to text her asking how she had been lately after I got home from work. I did get a response back that night but at 1:38am which woke me up saying simply "Great you?". I was hoping that she would still come over to play Munchkin the card game with my friends and I on Tuesday night, which she said that she would still come over as the date ended. I called her about 6pm, but it rang for a while and went to her voice mail. I just told her that I was wondering if she was still coming over that evening and to give me a call back. I never did hear anything back from her that night.

I started to get the impression that she was blowing me off and lost interest in me at that point. I spent parts of Tuesday night and Wednesday thinking how stupid to think that she or anyone else would want to waste their time with me. I had spent a long time searching up to that point for someone that had enough interest in me to actually want to try to date me. I usually had very little to no response from anyone. Granted, I am shy, but on online dating sites, I was trying to be proactive and search out people to message. Problem is no one really had interest in me. Elissa was the first person EVER that I had some interest in dating that actually liked me enough back. I was a little cautious around her during the date, but once she started rubbing my head some later during the movie in a gentle way, I just was tired of being scared of not finding anyone. At that moment, my defenses and those feelings melted away and leaned my body into her arm, ready to feel some affection that I have craved for a long time. It felt nice. Then it seemed the next few days, especially the night that she said she would come over to play a game with us, she did not bother to even communicate to me why. Everyone should have the time to take 10 seconds to message or call someone to say "Hey, sorry, I cannot make it tonight. I am busy because of ___." But nope, she left me lingering and wondering if she was done with me. On Wednesday, I came to the conclusion that she did not care enough to really communicate with me, so it must be over. I felt like crap and stupid to believe that anyone would want to be in a relationship with me.

Late last night though, as I watched TV with Nicole and Yumi, I randomly got a text from Elissa. It said that sorry that she cannot come out there this week but her weekend was free and wanted to know if I wanted to hang out or something. I had no idea how to really feel at first. I was frustrated. She communicates with me over 24 hours later after when we were suppose to hang out to now tell me she cannot come there this week but is free in the weekend. I had no idea what to think. I wanted to know why she cannot take a moment of courtesy to communicate with me why she could not tell me this the night before at minimum. I also debated with myself if I really wanted to see her again since I had no idea how serious she is about dating me or a potential relationship.

After debating it with Yumi and Nicole for a bit (me doing more of the rambling though), I did sort of want to see her again, partly because I think that I am so desperate for a relationship and affection, maybe I would be willing to pursue this girl a bit more to see where it goes from there (if anywhere). I texted her back saying that maybe we could hang out this weekend, but I also said to her that I was wondering if she did want to hang out at all since I did not really hear from her throughout the week. She texted back a moment later that she saying "Ah sorry I been researching this week". I do remember how she told me that she consumed into her research for cases at times, but still, I question how serious that she is if she waited over 24 hours later to get back to me. 

I basically said to her that maybe we could see each other this weekend at some point, and she should let me know her availability. I am now weary of her. As my co-worker Jared told me his opinion, "She sounds flaky, I would cut and run." Maybe he is right. I guess that I can give her one more chance, but if she is flaky again without communicating with me, I will plan to stop seeing her. Like I said, I am kind of still remembering the good feelings that I felt for a while that evening, which causes me to still have some interest in her since no one else has ever done that for me. Hopefully things work out well, one way or the other.

I had a date last night

I had a date last night. It was with a girl that I met on a dating site called Okcupid.com. It is pretty good. Anyways, after a week on the site, I finally was able to message this girl. She is cute and attractive, has a lot of similar geeky interests, and lives nearby. I also found out later that she is transgender too when I re-read her profile. It made no difference to me that she was cis or trans, I thought she is pretty, and she messaged me back. We eventually decided to get together the next night for dinner and go back to my apartment to watch a movie. 

So last night, Elissa (that is her name) drove over (about a 30 minute drive for her), and we went out to TGIF. I figured it would be good, so we can get appetizers and deserts with that good deal that they have. We talked about a lot of things. She is a lawyer, but not many people hiring, so she is more freelance at the moment. I was unsure for a while if she was interested in me. We got back to the apartment, and she found "The Color of Magic" 2 part TV movie on netflix to watch that I had not seen before. After a while, she asked if I wanted a back rub, and she gave me a good one for a long time it seemed. I figured that I show my appreciation as well by rubbing her back for a while too. Problem is, I did get up to go to the bathroom a few times throughout the night. I got back, then she started rubbing my hair on my scalp and neck real nicely. I decided to lay into her arm that then wrapped around me, I felt comfortable because someone seemed to want to be with me it seemed for once. I never really felt that way before.

After a while, she eventually proceeded to look at me, I could tell she wanted to kiss. I was a bit nervous. I had never kissed anyone before. I leaned in and gave it a go. After kissing for maybe 30 seconds to a minute, I kind of quietly told her that she should know that she was my first kiss and that I apologized if I was a bad kisser. She said that she does not know if she is good or not either. I could tell that she wanted me that night. I never had that feeling before. It was strangely exciting and so nice. I did not feel that lonely and repulsive last night when I was with her. 

We did not finish the movie, and I wanted to go with Nicole and Yumi (and Yumi's family) to see some of the meteor shower. Elissa said that she was tired and was ready to head back anyways. I walked back with her to her car, and she said how she wondered if I was interested into her or was shy because I was not really making any moves on her. I told her that I am shy and so inexperienced in relationships, that I did not know what I was doing really. We kissed and said to me that I ever feel like doing something with her, I should just do it. 

Elissa said that she would come back this week at minimum to play Munchkin with Nicole and Yumi. I would think that they would get along pretty well. Elissa is definitely a bit shy herself it seems. I am still waiting to hear back from her today, I sent her a text around lunch asking how she was, but no response yet. She did say that she would be busy today. Hopefully things will go well with her in future. Maybe I will actually have a real relationship with someone that I like and she likes me in return...

Sigh, I don't like feeling lonely

I have joined various dating sites or other profile sites trying to see what my options are in online dating. I always have been told that trying to find a serious relationship in a bar or club is not a good idea. Everything I hear is that they are usually full of just one night stands or short flings. It has been about a month now, still nothing meaningful has materialized from it yet. Actually, I have not really gotten any responses from anyone except one person that I can think of briefly (and they have not messaged me back yet). I have logged in each morning first thing when I wake up or get home from work to check my email to see if anyone has responded but never anything appears.

It makes me wonder I can try to do to make people want to pursue a relationship with me. I am that unattractive to other people? There are a few people tell me how I look "pretty", but other people that I have known say not complimentary things or one person said how "I am embarrassing myself and make an ugly man-woman". It makes me conflicted on how to feel about my appearance, especially when I usually have a low opinion to of it. I know that I want to lose more weight. Are my masculine features turning people away? I sometimes wonder what I can do to make myself more attractive. 

I feel like I am unlovable, bottom line. I have never kissed anyone before, and of course I have never been in sexual contact with anyone. I don't know anyone around my age or older who has never kissed anyone. I would settle for a hug even at this point because at least someone would want to touch me. I have lied to people about this stuff when asked in the past because I am embarrassed to share the truth (except I was truthful on being a virgin, but I had the Catholic excuse). I never went to any of my high school or college dances. Never knew a girl who remotely liked me, and my few friends made their own arrangements to these events. I worked on my prom night even. 

Sure, I had that girl Heather who liked me briefly, but there were problems with that relationship (she valued some of my masculine features too greatly in my opinion who also talked at times how she did some sexual things for all her past relationships) and had to end. I had an older trans woman (like 40s or 50s) uncomfortably hit on me as well a while back. I still wonder though, why would anyone want to waste their time with someone like me in a serious way?

 I don't know what to do anymore about it. I guess I can wait and see if someone has any fleeting curiosity to actually message me back on any of these dating sites? I have waited 26 years, maybe it won't be much longer. I don't know. Problem is that I read other trans women journals lately too. Many of them have waited or searched for years and still have not found anyone to be in a long relationship with. It scares me to think I could wait years and be in the same situation, just older. I think about this stuff almost everyday. I still have my body issues and stuff, but I am lonely. I am a negative and pessimistic person so it is hard for me to believe anything good will happen to me. I try my best not to think about these problems because I don't know if anyone can help me anymore. At this point, maybe it is better that I don't find someone. I probably would smother them at this point and drive them away.
Last night Nicole, Yumi, and I went to go see The Dark Knight Rises midnight premiere. I had been wanting to cosplay to it for a long time now, and I finally got to. I wanted to go as a Christopher Nolan version of Poison Ivy I originally had a different vision for my character, like as an eco-terrorist. I could not find the exact combination of clothes I wanted, but I was satisfied with what I did find in the end.
See the pictures...Collapse )
I really want to go to conventions in the future, mainly so I can go dressed up as my favorite characters in anime, comics, movies, or video games. Some other ideas I would love to dress as someday is Ohka from .hack/Legend of the Twilight, Ms. Marvel, Black Canary, the female barbarian from Diablo 3 perhaps, and various Bleach, Naruto, and One Piece characters.. Those are just some of the ideas I could think of at this moment.
I can't help but get a little envious when I read other young trans women who take hormones and experience the whole "constantly sore boobs". I never have experienced that like many of these women talk about, and I will admit it makes me feel like I was a little cheated a bit on my transition experience. Makes me feel less like a woman in a way. I know there is more to transition than the physical change, but it was something I spent years of research on. I wondered to myself when my chest would get that constantly sore feeling. The way many seem to know if their boobs are growing some.

Alas, I never experienced that feeling that I recall. Sure, I would have an hour or two of soreness in my chest maybe once every couple of months to a few times a year since I started hormones (more so in the last year). I keep making these rants about how disappointed I am in the lack of differences and change in my physical transition. They just eat at me. It kind of makes me feel like I may as well never have taken the hormones at all and just grew out my hair and lose the weight.

I put on a blue-gray camou top that I kind of liked yesterday and had some pre-formed foam cups for your breasts to rest in. The large sized version of the top fit me best, but I looked a little weird in it because my boobs did not properly fill the cups so it looked very fake on me by the slope on my chest.

 I was thinking recently since it appears that hormones may not change anything, I may need to consider to start saving up for surgeries like breast augmentation. It is not like I want to get huge breasts because I don't want to have a lot of sagging, back problems, and I do exercise too. I would like to have larger breasts that match my body size and proportions. I still get gendered as a male at times when I wear androgynous clothing. I feel like one of the only reasons that my breasts are noticeable to others and I get me gendered as female is when I wear a bra or a form fitting top like my tank tops. That is one reason why I wear tank tops, they make my breasts noticeable and appear larger than they really are (in my opinion).

I am not sure what I can do to get over this feeling of disappointment and dislike for my own body anymore. I will continue to bide my time (like I usually seem to do for most of my issues) and try to internalize them until hopefully something changes.
P.S. I know that I am sounding like a broken record with my body issues. I guess it helps to write about my issues here because it seems difficult to discuss them anymore with others even though I would like to more. The problem is that I do not know if this really accomplishes anything either.